akkasha's *big* battle

Working to Become a Healthier Human

Thoughts on Book "The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts" & More
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It has been a long while since I have posted here. And honestly, I don't know how frequently I will be posting. But hey, I am posting something which is progress all on its own. *grin*

Things here have been crazy. I have two amazing kids. My eldest is now 4 1/2. The Little Guy is now three. They are amazing. But boy, do they take a whole lot of my time! Not to mention my DH & full time job. *grin*

The Elder Munchkin was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis. It really threw things into a tizzy. Honestly, I am still struggling with what that means in the long run.

However, it made me even more aware how critical it is to get her moving. And that should also mean *I* am moving more. I need to be the good example. But I confess that is easier said than done some days...

I have an ereader. I adore it. I had to rebuild my library due to getting a new one (the wifi wasn't working so Kobo replaced it.) For some reason, the categories didn't get copied over when I installed things. Not sure why.

So I had to manually look through all my titles, rather than just grabbing one in a certain category.

I stumbled upon "The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts." I had installed a while back with a bunch of other health & fitness titles that I never even cracked open. *laugh*

I started reading it.

The contents aren't really things that are new to me. Though it might be to a whole lot of plus-sized people. But it reminded me of so many great points. It is important to move. Not for weight loss even. Just to help you feel good in your body.

I am not feeling great in my body. I am tired and feeling worn out. And I know a lot of that is stress and lack of sleep. But I know a good portion of it is just lack of movement.

I also know a lot of it is about my body. It has changed since I was pregnant and had the kids. I am near the top of my weight range when I started WW. Not so good.

I wish I could explain it. I think with having the kids and breastfeeding, my body wasn't just mine. It was providing for the kids. And somehow, I simply haven't been able to reclaim it.

My youngest is three. So it isn't for the kids anymore. It is mine. But I am still struggling to reclaim it. I am not sure exactly how to do that.

The book does talk about how fat people have a right to move their bodies. Even in the fact of @(#holes who want to make comments. I really liked that. But I felt it just dwelled too much on the negatives. Mind you, I get that some people need to hear that. They need to claim their right to it. I really wish I had read this book when I was first on my weight loss journey. I think it would have helped a lot.

What I love about the books is that she is telling people it is alright to be fat. To reclaim that word. I get pissed as hell that fat prejudice is still not only acceptable. But with all the screaming about childhood obesity, it has become encouraged to make judgments on others on the basis of weight.

What kills me is there are studies that show that fat doesn't mean you are going to die younger. It is about your fitness level. You can be fat & healthy. You can be thin and unhealthy. Weight isn't the determining factor.

I am not delusional. I don't think all fat people are healthy. But I also don't think all thin people are either. I think, as always, that it is all about balance. It is about making *healthy* choices.

The book has been good in that it reminded me that I need to focus on me. I need to start getting back into my body and appreciating it. I need to connect with it and know it is a powerful part of who I am.

I do wonder if some of the disconnect was that I had two c-sections. Neither by choice. But both kids were emergency c-sections. I feel like that caused a bit of a disconnect between me and my body.

I also think that the demands of breastfeeding for me were hard. I had to work really hard to get a good amount of milk with my eldest. I did all sorts of things to try and get my body to produce more. And in the end, both kids needed to be supplemented with formula. My body failed me. I couldn't make enough milk for my kids. And I think I was kinda pissed about that. *sigh* I shouldn't have been...but I was...

Getting this things out and written down I hope will help me let go of them. And start to more actively bridge the gap that I feel with my body.

I need to get back to feeling comfortable in my own skin. The weird thing is that it isn't an external issue right now. It is about me.

Mind you, I am still not one to say fat is bad or evil. I just need my brain to accept that my body is a part of me. It is part of the whole.

I think getting back to some movement regularly is kinda key with that. I do walk to the train in the morning. I had been taking the bus at night. But the past couple days I walked home. I think I really need to continue walking to the train in both directions. It helps my brain process stuff from the day sometime.

Mind you, the reason I started taking the bus at night was to get home quicker. But with the new apartment, the buses run less frequently. So that isn't always the case. And the stress of waiting when a bus is late or there isn't one at all isn't good for me either!

I am working on balance with home & work. Work is crazy right now... I say right now, but it is really for over a year now. My company is in the process of a merger. People have been laid off. Coworkers I have known for over 10 years have been let go or changed departments in restructuring. It is all scary.

And there is that fear that should I get laid off, I have to deal with interviews. And that means coming face to face with anti-fat discrimination. *sigh*

With my DD health issues, I can't afford to be out of work long. I *need* the insurance to cover her medical expenses. So it is all too scary.

So there is a lot on my plate. But I know that if I get reconnected with my body, it will help things overall. And that is *really* important.

I think that is enough soul searching for the moment. *grin*

Rejoining WW
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It has been ages since I updated my WW journal. Too long really.

The short version is I got pregnant with my DD in 2008. She was born in Sept. 2009.

I got back on WW while I was nursing her. During that At Work session, I got pregnant with my son.

The weight crept up and up and up. And I am sad to say I am my highest weight since six weeks after starting WW in 1998. Not good.

But I told myself I would always be honest. And be accountable for my actions. So here I am. Posting for the first time since 2007! I really can't believe it has been that long.

It is pretty daunting honestly. It took me 7 years to lose the weight the first time and that was without the kids. I fear how long it will take. But the flip side is that I need it more now. And it is important for the kids to see me eating healthy as it will impact their eating.

I recall what my parents ate. And then how my mom ate while dieting. It was bizarre. Mind you, my mom was dieting in the 70s which was a different era.

All I can do is take this one day at a time. I need to just focus on getting healthy and eating right. I want to be there when my kids graduate college. I want to be there when they have kids of their own. And the only way that will happen is if I start working on being healthy for them.

I am hoping to update this often. If nothing else, I want to make sure to check in on my weight loss each week. Given how crazed life is, that alone might be a challenge. But I need to do it.

This is so critical now. Even more so than the first time when it was just me!

Looking at my WW site, I think I am going to archive the old weight charts. Not remove them. But I need an easier way to update them. Otherwise it won't happen. (The old way was very manual.)

So the big number?



I knew it was coming. I am honestly not stunned by the number. Mostly just very disappointed in myself for it.

I need to find a new app for tracking. I have an Android phone now. I get free etools with the At Work program, but because some people didn't sign up on time, we didn't have an 'offical' meeting.

Ah well.

I confess I am a bit fearful about doing the new program. I could figure out the old points in my head. But I think the change will be good. It seems they are focusing more on filling, healthy foods. And that is really important for the entire family.

Wish me luck. I will need it!

Feeling Like a Bad Woman
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I got a call a couple months ago from someone with Weight Watchers about being in a book they are going to be publishing. I thought that was pretty cool. So I spoke with the writer a couple times. Sent all the various info, photos. etc.. I figured I was done.

I got a call at work on Friday after I was gone for the weekend. It was someone from WW saying they want me to come in for a photo shoot on June 28th or 29th. July 4th is on a Wednesday this year. So I am taking off the 29th as well as Monday the 2nd & Tuesday, the 3rd. Paul and I go up to the Adirondacks for the 4th weekend. It is great.

I need to be at work that Thursday to get everything done that has to get out before the long weekend. I tell the woman this and she says they can squeeze me into the time during my lunch on Thursday. I am not even sure I can get away. *shakes head*

I ask if they will be doing this any other time. She says no. I point out that it is the weekend before the 4th. She indicates that is the only time they are doing the shoot.

I really think I am just going to have to let her know I can't do it. I will tell them they are always free to use any of the pics from the photo shoot. But I just can't make it.

It would be disappointing not to be featured in the book. But on the other hand, I am just soo not feeling like the WW poster girl. I am above my goal weight. I really feel like things have been challenging.

Also, I am just not good about having pictures taken of me. At the last photo shoot, I thought my smiles looked so fake as I just don't do big toothy smiles. I just feel I am not up for doing it again. I was lucky that last time Annie was great enough to join me. She was so wonderful about making it seem fun. Given I would be trying to get in and out as fast as possible, it won't be fun. It will just be a major headache.

I will tell the woman no when she calls again. I just think it is better to say no at this point. I can't work with their dates.

I feel kinda badly about it. But I think it is smarter as I just can't make it. I will suggest they use something from the other shoot. And if they can't do that, oh well. Life will go on. *chuckle* It was just kinda cool thinking I would be in a book.

Heaven or Hell...?
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I have signed up to be contacted by WW magazine from time to time to help with panels. It is actually very cool. Sometimes it is just a bit of advice or such. Other times I get to test something.

So they wrote & asked for pet peeves about swimsuits. I said that mine is that you can't actually swim in them. They are designed to lay about in and never move. *chuckle*

Then they asked if I would mind trying on some different suits. They wouldn't need to take pics of me in it or anything. They would take the pics on a mannequin. I am thinking this is cool. Get to find a good suit without doing all the legwork. Sounds great given I am sooo not a shopper.

The good news is that the woman gave me a *lot* of choices. 11 different suits. Most in at least 2 sizes, some in 3 sizes! So I have 24 suits to try on! *gulp*

I know this would be heaven for some folks. But oh man...not mine. *whimper*

I am supposed to be going out tonight for a beer & chocolate tasting. And now I wonder if I shouldn't be fasting. *laugh* Actually, I figure it is more honest to have tried them on with some food in me. *grin*

Though I really think I get activity points for wrestling in and out of this many items! *laugh*

WW Magazine Success Story
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I am featured in the January/February Weight Watchers magazine.

I have scanned in the article.

Things I like:

* Seems better written than the online article
* Like the new design for the success stories
* Think the article is pretty good with what it says

Things I wish were different:

* Headline - just hate the implication that I didn't love my body when I was larger. I did.
* Photo - but I don't know if I would have liked any photo. But the forced smile drives me nuts. Also, I still like my goal pic more as I love the dress more than I like the clothes they put me in.
* The quote from my leader - They didn't ask her for a quote about me. So she made a suggestion on water - one of the things I do pretty well actually! *laugh*

I shouldn't complain. It is nice seeing it in the magazine. It feels really amazing that I was chosen to be in there. So I am happy.

I like seeing it in print. It somehow feels more real.

Now, if only I would get back to that weight. *chuckle* One thing at a time, right? *grin*

Success Story on WW.com
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My story is up on the WW.com site:

http://www.weightwatchers.com/success/art/index.aspx?sc=17 is the current link though I suspect after it is moved to the archives, it will change.

It is sorta interesting. I am pretty thrilled to be chosen. It is really great to be able to share my story. I just hope it might inspire others as the success stories have inspired me.

Though the critical side of me also came out. I am not fond of the picture. Also, it sorta irks me having someone else write my story in the first person. For instance, healthful isn't a word that comes to mind (it should have been healthy in the context). Also there are some killer run on sentences. *laugh* I know, I know. To picky I am. *chuckle*

There is a large part of me hoping that people know that the individual didn't *actually* write it. *grin* I am terrible. I know.


It is still really exciting though.

I have been told that the WW magazine will run my story in the Jan./Feb. issue. I am looking forward to that. Though heaven knows id I will be any less critical. *chuckle*

Work is busy so I need to get to it. (Thus fewer posts these days.)

6 Month Anniversary of Lifetime
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I hit my 6 month anniversary of making Lifetime with WW on Thursday.

It has certainly been an interesting journey. I kept hearing how hard maintenance was. People claimed it was harder than losing. I kept saying it was hard enough for me to lose.

I still don't think it is harder. It is definitely challenging, but in very different ways. It is really just a different set of challenges. But I still don't think it is harder.

What has been the most challenging for me is figuring out what is 'normal' eating. I admit, I have been struggling a lot with trying to maintain. I am currently about 8 pounds over goal. And that has been challenging for me.

I think part of the issue is that I believed I would get back more maintenance points than I have. Generally, people get 28 additional points a week. I was lucky if I could maintain with 14 additional points. And I know that lead me to some resentment. Thus, I would start overeating because I believed somehow I deserved to eat more. I know, not sensible, but true...

It also lead me to question my goal weight. Honestly, I think I will probably up my goal weight to 170. At 170, I have lost 50%. I think that is reasonable for me. And I think it is a place where I am healthy and happy.

Though there is still this little voice that still questions if I shouldn't have pushed for the WW goal. But realistically 155 is not a sensible weight for me. Mentally, I know that. But emotionally, I sometimes wonder if I didn't give up too soon. That because it would have required 24/7 vigilance with an increase in activity, I didn't feel I could do it. And if I can't maintain that should I push to lower my weight to get there? I thought that by pushing harder to get to goal, I would be able to maintain it when I got there. But I really haven't been able to. I was able to get down below 165, but only by staying on losing points and exercising heavily. And that just isn't realistic on a daily basis. Nor do I think it is truly healthy if I am taking in too few calories either.

I do wonder if years of reduced calories have screwed up my metabolism. I am honestly not sure about that. I have a very low heart rate so I am guessing my body is already just thinking I am not moving anyhow. *laugh* So it probably doesn't need as many calories as I would like it to. *sigh* But it is hard.

The past few weeks have been especially challenging for me. I do know some of the reason for that. The biggie is that I told myself that I wanted 6 months at lifetime before Paul and I started trying for kids. So it is now 6 months. Time to make a huge decision. Which is really scary for me.

We still haven't decided about that. But he and I need to talk soon as I need to get back on the pill by Thursday if we aren't going to start trying now. I did mention it to him to think it over. But we haven't mentioned it since a week or so ago.

A child is a scary thing. I have been told by many parents you never truly feel prepared. You just have to take the leap. Then some people tell me to line up everything for the baby's arrival before you start. Figure out all the things about it. But what if I can't even get pregnant? I am 38. There is a good chance it may not happen.

There is also the financial aspect. Paul's business isn't strong. He has said he could look for another job but his working at home is a good thing if we have a baby. So I don't want him to stop doing it. Also, he love computer consulting. It makes him happy. And I know he is willing to do whatever work he needs to, but I really like that he is happy with his work. I am not thrilled with mine, but I keep at it because it is a steady paycheck. I feel like it is better that at least he is happy. I am hoping he can pick up some new business. That would honestly be the best thing.

And there is the simple fact that I like my life. I like having time to myself. I like things the way they are. So knowing it will all change is hard for me. I am not good with change. I am not one of those people who deals with change easily. So I feel sorta challenged by it.

I also worry about what if I have a child and am not a good mother. I feel like in some ways, I am pretty selfish. I like having Paul's attention. But I worry that I will lose myself in having a child. I know many people who suddenly become so and so's mom. And they lose themselves. I don't know if those people where searching for an identity before having kids so that this was the easiest thing to latch on to. Or if somehow a child just overtakes a person's entire personality. I am not sure... *sigh*

And there is a part of me that believed that you should have a house if you have kids. I know that isn't realistic for everyone. I guess it is just how I grew up. And I don't see how you can save for a house when you have kids. *shrugs*

I just don't know. This is all so damn scary. I wish there were simple answers.

On the positive side, I do actually think Paul will be an amazing father. I hope I will be an okay mom. I fear being a bit to worried about the kid. I worry about a lot of things. So I don't think I would be any less worried when it is about a being that is under my protection.

I keep hearing that there is nothing like being a parent. And I do think having children of your own is completely different than spending time with others. They are your kids. And that is different. Mind you, I like being around kids now. But I also admit, I can get really irritated with some of them too. Doesn't help that in the NYC area, there are so many people in such a small space. And I have met some very badly behaved ones here. But I have also met some wonderful ones.

I am also scared I won't be able to have kids. I am 38. I know, people do it at this age. But I also am not willing to tear myself apart emotionally to do this. I do worry it could be a strain on the marriage if I can't have kids. Paul says if we can't, that is okay. But honestly, I do think he will be sad if he can't be a dad. Though we both agree that we don't see the point if it isn't our baby genetically. So we are only willing to go so far. But there is still a lot modern medicine can do. I keep hoping that maybe we will get lucky. That the first tries will result in a baby. Though heaven knows I have never been good when luck is a factor. *chuckle* Though Paul is so who knows. *grin*

The truth is, I am not sure what is best. I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into and see what is best. But I don't.

I know WW has helped me to get my eating into a more sensible path. I also know I make better choices overall. I am not perfect, but that is part of being a human.

I just need to focus on the positives. I have come a long way. I got to my goal. I am still exercising. I was sick the past two weeks so I didn't, but I am back at it thank heavens (went to yoga today). I also think I have more energy and all today than I did before starting WW. So ultimately, I feel good about my lifestyle choices. The need to be healthy is why I started WW and why I continue. So I just need to stay focused on that. That keeps me moving forward.

This is pretty long. I am just going to post it as is. I suspect if I reread and edit it, I may never post it. And I do feel like it should be posted. So here it is.

WW.com Photo Shoot
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I had my Weightwatchers.com photo shoot yesterday.

The weather was brutally hot. Better than the past coupled days, but it was still in the high 90s with a ton of humidity. So the walk to the PATH was pretty brutal. I was lugging my backpack and a suitcase full of stuff they wanted me to bring. The shopping list of things to bring was truly astounding. But I got there, dripping with sweat.

I was supposed to arrive at 1:00, but ended up showing up at 12:30. I made sure to give myself enough time.

When I arrived, it was very casual. Honestly, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. But the staff were all very friendly. There was a lot of the staff there. I think there were at least 6-8 people from the WW.com site there. Then there was the photographer & her two people. And the makeup artist & stylist.

I didn't see many fellow WWers. I did see one woman being photographed as I came in who looked really great. She was really pretty and looked good. Though she left shortly after I got there. I think her husband was there with her. There was an older woman who looked terrific. I did speak to her very briefly while we were getting changed later in the day. She lost 110 pounds and looked great. On the way out, I saw a couple more woman who were getting ready to be photographed, but I didn't really get to talk to them.

I wandered around the space a bit while waiting. http://24thstreetloft.com/ It is a really interesting space. I really liked the Red Saloon. But the shooting was in the large central room. It turns out the space is actually some woman's home! I was really surprised by that. But Annie got talking with her and discovered that.

Lunch had just been delivered so I was offered me some food. I had eaten before I had gotten there. So I didn't really want much. I had some fruit and was good.

Shortly after, they pointed me to the makeup artist. The woman was really nice and very talkative. She told me I have great eyes, very exotic. And was thrilled she got to try out some color shadow on me. I asked her what it was but I can't recall of course. I think it was something orchid or maybe orchard, but I could be way off. The powders were definitely MAC, but I have no idea if the eye shadows were as well.

The makeup came out looking pretty light and neutral. Enough to be pretty but not overdone. So it was great for me. I didn't feel too overdone.

During the makeup, Annie arrived. She is this amazing woman from the &&NYC thread on the local WW.com boards. She was kind enough to offer to come. I am so thrilled she could make it. She is the kind of person that just has that outgoing and warm personality that really can light up a room. It was so wonderful to have her there. She is also an actress so she understands more of this process than I do. And I trust her judgment on things.

The woman doing the makeup asked about whether I wanted my hair straight or curly. I said I like it with some curl and she said great as most people had been wanting straight. So she did it with some loose curls. I really loved the hair and thought it was very flattering. I got it cut and colored at the Aveda school yesterday. So it really did look good. And the color was great. So I felt good.

Then they sent me over to the clothes. So the stylist is asking what I like. I tell her jewel tones, that I don't like pastels. The first things she grabs for? A hot pink sweater. *shudder* I told her pretty adamantly that "I don't do pink". She found a rich purple cardigan that I liked. But then she couldn't find anything that would work under it. *sigh*

So she has me try on several more things. And finally she finds this blue top she likes on me. I thought it looked way too 80s in style. And since I went through the 80s the first time around, I didn't think it was a good idea. I also thought it was so loose around my sides. And my waist is actually my best feature of my body. But several of the people were raving about how good it looked on me. So I decided to go with it. And given the colors of most of the clothes, this was about as rich a color as I was going to get.

Then she tells me they want everyone to do pictures in jeans. Okay. So I try on some jeans. None of them fit. Including a size 12 pair. *sigh* They are all way too tight in the thighs. I had told them on the phone that general I wear a size 10, but only if they are cut for my ample thighs and hips. If not, I needed a size 12 but again, need hip room. So I pulled out my blue jeans. Honestly, they aren't a great fit. They are too straight legged. But at least they fit. So they went with them.

I have to admit, one of the girls from the ww.com staff said it is so fun trying on clothes. And I didn't say it, but I wanted to say, no, really, it isn't. I hate trying on things. And having none of what was there fit was a bit disheartening. I had given them my measurements on the phone so I really felt like they should have had some things that fit. But they seem to get a wide variety of things, not things for a specific person. So I think that was part of the trouble. *shrugs*

The stylist put these two massive pairs of colored pearlescent beads on me. They were close to the neck. One was a dark greyish color, the other had some purple in them I think. I thought they were too big, but again, I know that is hot right now.

When I got out there, they repowdered me as the makeup was melting a bit. The space was kinda warm so the makeup woman suggested pulling out a fan. I was so grateful for that as it felt really good.

The photographer was also very nice and positive. She told me how great I looked. She kept telling me to smile and show my teeth. I told her I never show my teeth, but she said it looked great. I honestly think my teeth are weird so I just don't smile that way.

The photographer said something had to be done with my jeans as they were bunching at the knees. So the stylist came back out. She suggested heels. So they put me in these great shoes. They are by some company called FarylRobin. They were round toed, but with a fairly high, but solid heel. So they were pretty comfy. They were a dark blue green with some grey. I know that doesn't sound great, but they really were cool. I want to find them, but they weren't listed on their website or Zappos. So I don't know if they aren't for sale yet or if they are from a previous season. Though I want to keep an eye out for them for certain.

So we got back to the shoot. I felt like it was okay. There was a lot of move this way, stand this way. Smile real big. Show those teeth. But it seem to have been okay. There was a monitor where they were looking at the pics, but you know, I didn't even look. I think it was probably smarter that way. I suspect I would have just gotten more self conscious.

I was so glad Annie was there. She kept telling me I looked beautiful and all which helped a lot. She was such a great support for this. I really think that without her, I wouldn't have been as good about trying to smile big and such. But she really made me feel at ease. Though the photographer was good about that too. She kept saying how great I looked and how beautiful and photogenic I was. So that was nice.

After those shots were done, they wanted me in a skirt. So I went back in and the stylist started trying other things. At first she put me in a beige a-line skirt. One of the women brought in this black and blue skirt that I loved. I wanted to try it on, but the stylist didn't seem to want me to. *shrugs* Then she put me in a jean skirt. And an orange, yes, really, an orange sweater. *groan* It was probably cashmere, but still... *sigh* I kept saying I am not an orange person. But they kept insisting it looked great with my coloring and hair. There was a little creme cap sleeve shirt under the sweater too.

The necklace they pull with it was these heavy chains that looked almost pewter in color. But there was something I liked about the necklace. Again, too heavy for me, but I liked them better than the pearls at least. *chuckle*

So I was waiting to be shot and roasting. It was really hot. Luckily, Annie was great and directed me to a cooler spot and had me sit. Probably a very good move.

These pics were supposed to be by a chair. So they started playing with what chair and such. They grabbed the fan again and started pointing it at me because I was melting again. I can't believe I was the only one who was being so affected during the shoot but I am guessing the sweater wasn't helping. *laugh*

After a few shots they changed the chair and instead of me sitting, they had me stand next to it. Then they had me take off the sweater and just have the cream top on. After that, they tried this black & red patterned shirt. The stylist had tried on me in the dressing room and I was so sad that it pulled too tight across the chest as I liked it a lot. They tried leaving it open, but it didn't work well. So they tried a jacket. I think the cut may have been good, but the pattern seemed a bit too old for my tastes. I really felt like it was sorta weird. But given at least it wasn't orange, I was feeling more open to it. *laugh*

They said I was done and could change back into my clothes. I wandered back to the dressing area & packed up my suitcase again. It had gotten pulled into there so I could get my jeans earlier. I had also tried a cami I had with the purple cardigan earlier in the process. Though the suitcase had actually gotten covered with other things so I spent time making sure I just put my things back in the suitcase. *chuckle*

One of the staff said they just wanted to do an interview. So I went over and spoke with the woman. She said they did it in the back room. She said it was very informal, but they would have a video camera running. I laughed and said that as long as it wasn't going to be webcasted or something. She smiled. I figured it was just there as it was easier than taking notes and all.

So she asked me some questions. I know I probably babbled too much. I get nervous I guess. But I also think I get somewhat passionate about how good Weight Watchers has been for me. And I liked being about to talk about it and not feel like it is proselytizing. But I know I went on too long. *chuckle*

As I got out of the interview, it seemed a bunch of the staff were heading out. I got to talking with one woman about Jersey City as she had lived there. She said she would be calling me about some follow-up when it got closer to when they wanted to publish my story. Then she mentioned about how they are updating the website and said something about video. I gulped! I am now worried that they will actually post some of my babbling. I really hope it is some other video she is referring to! *gulp*

I am really hoping they don't post video but I don't know. I have signed their forms so I can't really say anything about what they use the stuff for. But, I admit, I really don't want to sound like a babbling idiot. *laugh*

I have to confess though... I was a bit frustrated that I was supposed to take all that stuff and all I used was a pair of jeans. There was a huge shopping list of thing sot bring. Some things were photos (starting as a kid to now as well as family & friends), panty hose (including nude which I never wear), a CD (which I made a mix), something from your hobbies (so I brought my bellydance outfit) and a signature piece (so I grabbed my corset because I figured that was *really* me). So I spent a lot of time putting things together. And then didn't use anything. *laugh* Ah well.

It was definitely an interesting experience. And while I don't regret doing it, I really wish I had just brought more of my own clothes and been a bit more assertive about wearing something I felt more comfortable in. But then again, they are the experts. They are supposed to know about this. And of course they want to make me look the best they can as it is better for them.

I am looking forward to them sending me the disk with the photos. I really do wonder what I looked like. I am hopeful they will find something that looks flattering to me. Though I suspect given the clothes the picture won't feel very 'me'. But I hope it at least looks good.

All in all, I am glad I sent in the info. It was an interesting experience. And this way I never have to wonder what if I had sent it in. *smile*

I still don't have any clue when they will post it. But I will certainly post about it when it gets posted.

Selected for WeightWatchers.com Success Story
healthy heart beating
I really can't believe I haven't posted this at all to my livejournal. It is weird. But work has been crazed. And I also think there is just a little bit of me still in disbelief that this is actually happening.

I was selected to be a success story on the WW.com site. It is really exciting. I am going for a photo shoot on Thursday, Aug. 3rd. They will take pictures which will be used for the website. They may also use them in promotional materials as well.

I will try to post more about it soon. I keep getting interrupted with work so I want to make sure I actually get this in my journal!

Decision Time
healthy heart beating
I was up again at this week's weigh in. I am not stunned by it. But on the other hand, I really do feel like I need to do something about it.

The past few weeks have been rough. I have been over my points and really struggling.

I know part of me is still in temper tantrum mode. I am peeved that it only takes an additional 14 points for my body to maintain. And that is only when I am exercising regularly. So it is very frustrating for me.

So I think I have been trying to test if I can push that. So I have been trying to eat more points than I can to maintain.

I really do fear that these years of low calories have sent my body into a starvation mode so my metabolism has slowed to a crawl. It is honestly pretty frustrating.

I know that maintaining isn't harder than losing. But I think people say that is because it is harder to know that eating so few calories has to be a way of life. So I have been bucking against that. *sigh*

I also think the beer drinking isn't helping. I swear I retain more water & gas when I am drinking more. There is also the temptation when I am drinking to have that sort of amnesia. To decide not to worry about the calories and such. So that has been a big struggle too. And given I have just recently gotten into beer, I am straining to fit that into my lifestyle without too much damage as well.

I do think that something is stressing me. The way I have been eating indicates that pretty strongly. I just haven't really pinpointed what exactly.

I think it may be a combo of things ultimately. No one thing big enough to do it, but combined they are taking their toll.

There is work. I am thrilled that work has become more interesting. It is good that I am actually able to do more and broaden my skills. But I have to admit, my days weren't filled before. There was some down time. Where as now that is so very rare. So when I get home I feel exhausted, both physically and mentally. So I think I have been trying to turn to food to soothe me.

I think I am still stressed about my decision with regards to my cat.

Nothing has changed with that. I still feel like I am making the right choice, but I do worry. She has also started coughing more again. *sigh* Which stresses me.

In regards to my sister, things still aren't good. And it isn't like she is telling me if they are getting worse. So I feel helpless with that.

Also, I really wanted to have a house before I got pregnant. And given things currently, I don't see that will happen. *sigh* I don't even see how we can get a deposit and such together on a new apartment (which we definitely need if we are having kids). Paul isn't bringing in as much really. And despite getting a raise at work, I don't honestly think it will be enough to have a major impact. Between the lousy raise last year and inflation, I think the new raise will really mean I am just staying even with the cost of living.

I know money stuff really impacts me hard. I hate that it does. It feels so petty to me, but it really does seem to put a damper on things for me. And I have been charging too much to my credit cards and am in debt. I had finally worked my way out of debt in about a year's time I am in debt again. *sigh*

I know the big expenses have been my dental work (the implant & my root canal cracking so the reconstruction on that) & the cat. I tallied it up this morning and in 2 months, I blew over $1100 on the cat. Not including anything like her specialized food that is $1.50 a can or the new drinking fountain with filtering. Between the two dental issues, that is another $1500. So I do know a lot of my expenses on my credit card have been things that needed to be done.

But there is also a lot of little expenses that shouldn't have been put on the card. But some of those have been things like groceries because Paul hadn't gotten paid by a client yet. Or I wanted something I probably should have waited to buy. I really just need to put the cards away and not use them except for emergencies. I say that and then the next paycheck comes and goes before I even have the money in my hands. So I use the card to supplement things. *shakes head*

I also think there is a big fear in me that if we can't afford to live without debt now, how on earth can we have a child. *sigh* But on the flip side, I keep thinking that if we do not start trying in Sept./Oct. as planned, there is no way we will ever have kids. I will be 38 in August. And that is extremely terrifying to start trying for kids in your late 30s.

I am scared it won't happen. And that the trying will put pressure on things with Paul and me. I have heard it can be hard on couples. Yet I am also terrified about what to do with a child. I feel like I am completely unprepared. Though a couple of Paul's friends who recently had kids said that is completely normal. You can't ever be fully prepared for things. I know that in a way, it is something you just have to do and not think about everything or it will drive you insane... *sigh*

I think all these factors are adding up to screw up my eating and exercise. I feel like I keep skipping the gym because there is too much work and I am too stressed. But I know from the wedding planning that the exercise will help me reduce my stress. So I really should do it. I almost talked myself out of going to bellydance class tonight. Why? I know I enjoy the class. I had a great time last week taking the more advanced class. It was great. But today I want to curl up in a little ball and sleep. *sigh* Rationally, I know that is bad, but yet, that is what I want to do. *groan*

I binged in a big way yesterday. It started in the afternoon and got progressively worse. By the time I was heading home around 6:30, I decided that I *deserved* something sweet. Cause I had already eaten though my daily points. *shakes head* So I got a cupcake & cookies. Not just one or the other. Both of course. *sigh*

I tore through those and had a pretty high point dinner. Then I ate more. And more. I stuffed myself, yet I ate even more. I really just let go and kept grabbing anything that would fit in my mouth. Not good. *sigh*

This of course was after being in my WW meeting on Tuesday saying I would stay on target with my points Monday-Thursday and have the rest left for the weekend. So I screwed that up completely.

I decided late last night that I think the best thing for me right now is to take a break. Not to make it an excuse to go nuts and eat everything. But to stop worrying about points. To just take a break so that I don't get stressed about everything I put in my mouth. And feel guilty about going over target for the week.

I just really think I need a rest. A time not to stress this. Just enjoy the weekend. Relax. And definitely let go of guilt. And resentment as well.

My hope is I can come back to journaling and such feeling more refreshed. I think I need that to have a solid week on losing points. And I need to do that with the gains I have been seeing. But I have been struggling as it really seems unfair that after all this work, the weight goes back on so very easily. *sigh*

I also think I need to be a normal person for a while. Not writing down every morsel that goes into my body. But trying to pay more attention to what I am eating and stopping when I am full. Not trying to shove everything into my mouth. But on making decent choices.

All in all, I think I just need some time away from journaling. I think it will really help me in the long run. I used to do this at times I got stuck in the past. But I haven't done in years. And I think this might be the right time to do it.

Anyhow, I should get some work done. So I am concluding my babbling for now. But I am glad I dumped my thoughts out. I am hoping it will help.


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